This is an open letter to anyone at Publisher’s Clearing House regarding why I’ve not yet received any of my promised prize money.

Do you know how many times I’ve sat at my window, watching for the prize patrol van to pull up at my house?

One time I thought it was you, but it was actually an Amazon van delivering the Nicolas Cage glitter pillow I ordered. While I was pretty excited to have gotten that, it didn’t bring me the same joy as I’d have seeing you with those pretty balloons at my door.

I’m very disappointed.

The prize packet I received in the mail was clearly addressed to PRIZE WINNER at MY address, so it was obviously for me.

At first I thought it was a mistake, but when I opened the envelope you told me MY name was on the winner’s list. You said all I had to do was affix the nice little stickers to the reply letter, which I did, then I immediately returned it in the mail as you requested.

I was so excited!

I even mailed a resignation letter to my boss at the same time when I mailed your packet. Seeing as how you said you’re giving me all that money, I didn’t need a job anymore! They got my letter, but I didn’t hear back from you.

Did I put all the stickers on right?

You even told me the date when I was going to be announced as the big winner on national TV. I told all my family when to watch it too. Even Uncle Willie said he’d watch, and he never watches TV (he says it lies). Grandma said she’d watch too, but only if was on when her stories weren’t.

I fixed my doorbell and pulled the old cars off the front yard so you’d have somewhere to park the prize van. I even put on clean clothes and did my hair up nice for when you were going to show up! My neighbors thought the health department was coming or something, but I didn’t say anything to them.

When I turned on the TV to watch the announcement, I saw you went to the wrong house to give away the prize! I went outside and yelled out for you, but you must not have heard me. That’s alright, mistakes happen.

You can just mail me the check without all the fanfare. I don’t want to make a scene with my neighbors anyway.

I know it’ll be any day now, but if you could hurry up I’d appreciate it. Cousin Larry is in jail and we need that money to post his bond.

Oh, and when you make out the check, please write it out to my name, not Prize Winner. The lady at the bank keeps yelling at me when I try to cash the ones that say Prize Winner.

Also, I’ve attached a picture of the Nicolas Cage glitter pillow because I think it’s really cool. When I get your check I’m going to buy me a David Hasselhoff version.

With best wishes,


Nicolas Cage Glitter Pillow